Sunday, November 29, 2009

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Alexander and the Shit Ass, Nipple Twisting, Ball Busting Fuck Awful Day

(Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day...20 years later)

I went to sleep drunk with a girl from the bar and now my hands are bound with furry hand cuffs and I have two girls, three guys, and a donkey in my bed, and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped over a pyramid of empty Budweiser cans and by mistake dropped my sweater in the sink that someone had stopped up and filled with jungle juice and I could tell that it was going to be a shit ass, nipple twisting, ball busting, fuck awful day.

At breakfast Anthony found a piece of paper with a girl’s phone number on it and Nick found a 100$ bill someone had rolled up to snort cocaine but all I found was a used condom on my seat and a bill from the escort service.

I think I’ll move to Australia.

Heading to the car, I noticed three new parking tickets, and in the car Anthony let Nick have a seat by the window, our friends James and Kevin got seats by the window too. I said I had a pounding headache. I said I was hungover and needed the radio turned down. I said, if I don’t get a seat by the window I am going to throw up all over the backseat of my own car. No one even answered.

I could tell it was going to be a shit ass, nipple twisting, ball busting, fuck awful day.

At work my boss said he hated the project plan and that I had to start over from scratch.

There were two cup cakes in Philip Parker’s lunch bag and Albert had a Hershey bar with almonds. Guess who forgot dessert, and lunch? I was so hungry I had to eat the dog treats that I had forgotten to bring home the day before.

In the lunch meeting my boss said I was talking too much. On the afternoon conference call he said my ideas were unfeasible. At the end of the day he called me into his office and told me they were downsizing and could I pack up my things and be gone by 5 p.m.

I could tell it was going to be a shit ass, nipple twisting, ball busting fuck awful day

I could tell because Anthony called me and told me that I needed to pay the gas bill or it would get shut off and he would move out and Nick called to tell me that the escort service called and that I had to pay the bill or he’d move out too.

“I hope you sit on a herpes-infested tack” I said to Nick. "I hope the next time you get a double-decker strawberry ice cream cone the ice cream part falls off and some punches you in the eye, ties you up naked in a busy intersection and pees in your hair and the ice cream part lands in Australia."

I went to the dentist who told me I had five cavities, needed two root canals, and what were my thoughts about adult braces?

I went to the Hotsy Totsy bar and took 10 shots of Jack Daniels. The bartender said that it would be100$. I told him I couldn’t pay it. The bouncer told my face with his fist that I should have a black eye and threw me out into the street.

While I was waiting on the curb for the bus some asshole on a bike side swiped me and knocked into a mud puddle. I started crying because of the mud and the bum on the sidewalk said I was a crybaby and

While I was punching the bum for calling me a crybaby the Police showed up with their sirens on and made me sit down on the curb with my hands handcuffed behind my back. The handcuffs weren’t even furry.

I said I was having a shit ass, nipple twisting, ball busting, fuck awful day. The police officer told me to shut the fuck up.

So then the police offer threw me in the backseat and took me to the station where they fingerprinted me, took my statement, and gave me my phone call. I called Anthony who picked up and immediately told me he was "busy buying white sneakers with blue stripes and had to go" before he hung up.

The police threw me in the cell with a large tattooed guy named Damon who won’t stop staring at me.

I put my head down on the cold metal at lights out and pretended to sleep.

It has been a shit ass, nipple twisting, ball busting, fuck awful day.

Damon says some days are like that, even in Australia.